"The Unmade Sound" is an oil painting on 2x3 meter canvas painted in 4 weeks

Based on a hunch this project formed spontaneously and it allowed me to release the creative energy that had been dormant inside of me for about a year. After a large-scale oil painting I had made in Florence Italy in December 2021was thrown away/lost I was discouraged and spent the next 12 months traveling and focusing on other creative outlets. When I arrived in Berlin in December 2022 for my art residency with Das Institute I knew I wanted to paint and connect with this medium again. "The Unmade Sound" is the largest oil work I have created. In 4 weeks I made the piece with three colors. Using Burnt Umber, raw sienna, and lemon yellow I glazed layers of paint on the canvas until I was satisfied with the level of depth in the scene. Continue reading below for a deep dive into the visual composition:
The basis of this painting for me is rooted in transition and transformation.
From the edges of the painting where there is movement and the figures are active slowly forming a still image with the central figure. She embodies peace and consciousness, aware of all around her but unwavering in her presence.

In the Japanese tradition of kintsugi, broken pottery is glued together again with gold, this inspired my gold hues and sea of bronze hue. The chest of the center figure bleeds with gold, dramatically conveying the idea that to become your strongest self you first have to be broken, and that is true beauty. I came to this feeling and connection with the concept over many experiences in my own personal life, and I knew I wanted to create something that represented my state of emotion. Along with my struggles in life to come to a place of self-acceptance I have studied and observed things in the world that breed insecurity for women as we age and experience life. Society and religions tend to romanticize women's narratives based in innocence and naivety. examples: the virgin Mary, Eve pursuing knowledge and causing damnation for humanity, across the globe femicide based in killing women for honor codes, purity culture etc...)

In my life journey I have discovered true beauty is not based in innocence, but in a person's experiences, growing personality, and persistence for evolution. The painting is largely a self-portrait symbolizing my growth. I used images of myself collaged with other faces and bodies to create an atmosphere that shows a bit of my journey. Scars are so much more valuable than having a life where you went without living. For so long I couldn't look in the mirror because my own reflection held heartache, but I have come to a place where I embrace all the bad in my story because it made me strong and I love the personality I have developed because of this. I used to be shaken by so much, influenced by so many voices telling me what to do and how to act, and I finally reached a place where I am free. I am free from feeling like I need to be or act a certain way to be a good person. I don't aim to dress act or carry myself to please those around me any longer, and I am proud of that because the people-pleasing side of me that grew up in church with traditional expectations was terrified of holding opinions or existing outside of what was acceptable. I asked for strength, and in a messy strange way life gave me strength through pain. I have lived through some dark experiences, but they made me brave enough to travel alone around a continent that is not my own. It made me brave enough to pursue art full-time, because if I want to leave behind my life so bad why not try to just have a little fun first before I go? Disclaimer***I am no longer in that state of mind, but it took that very low place for me to do what I am doing now. I feel that I need to share this so that whoever is out there questioning life and questioning why things get so hard, know there's always hope and there is a way for happiness and power to enter your life. Keep grinding. When you can't create a reality you are comfortable in creating something that you feel holds your current energy can help more than you know. You won't ever regret making art for yourself.


The Unmade Sound
Somewhere in between my memory and this moment
Somewhere in between the mirror and pictures on my wall
Somewhere in between my biggest fears and deepest desires
trusted meets untrusted

Living in this skin
I'm somewhere in between
Staying alive and mourning who I had been
ugly dark & violent 
All that transpired, thought nothing would change
Somewhere in between 
who they think I am and who commands my voice today
in between perceptions, dividing between them
 what's the real me 

I'm just living somewhere
inside me a million things were inspired
Because the moment my innocence died 
The strongest power in me conspired

I wrap myself in solace, unwavering
Numbing the pain was never as hard as feeling for the ones I love
But I know what got me to this place is rooted in experience
They can never say I was weak
I wear these chains like gold, my heart cold but I can take the heat

Somewhere in between what I say and I won't
what I can say and what I wish I could keep down
What's deep in my throat and what lies so far away from me
Somewhere in between 
What echoes in their bones and what lives inside of me
Something else plays in my mind
their vibrations hit my skin only to ricochet

Somewhere in between 
At home where I used to stay 
 where I thought I belonged,
and the things that never seem to change
They follow where you go on your heart like stains

Trying to explain, but does it sound sane
They can't understand it no matter how you can say
what courses in your veins
memory, anxiety, desire, pain

Somewhere in between the brain, floating in silent darkness
and the light of day
what shines to kiss your skin and the liquid in your skull
you speak, only able to slightly replicate what you think
that push to connect but then you have that pull
The gut feeling that maybe you're truly alone

Vices and slices- the tragedy in a remedy
in between the voices inside my head and monsters under my bed
The shadows following at my feet and the shoes I am trying my best to fill
The constant reminders on my phone
2 years, 5 months, and 25 days
Somewhere in between trying to remember and trying to forget

Echoing where I've been of what I have to do
Never leave behind the invisible, just remember
Courage is designed by fear 
If nothing else I know what echoes in my bones, it was born in between

The Invisible
What makes us feel invincible
Our generosity in the face of the Unforgivable

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